Notes From Small Town Grocery Store

I'm not as witty as Bill Bryson, but I have slightly stolen a title from one of my favorite books of his.

I work as a cashier at the only grocery store in town. Yep. Double sad face.

I hear lots of interesting things as a cashier. Here are some examples:

1. Me:  May I have you (insert name of store loyalty card here)?
Old guy customer: No. I'm not using mine anymore because they're illegal.
Me: I hadn't heard
Old guy customer: Yeppers, my buddy told me.

2. Me: Would you like your gum left out of the bag?
Middle-aged lady customer: *takes her gum out of her mouth and sticks it on her finger and waves it at me* This? You want this?
Me: No Ma'am. I mean the gum you're buying now, do you want me to put it in a bag?
Middle-aged lady customer: Oh, ummmm....no

3. Me (just returned to the register from sweeping): Hi, How are you?
Strange man customer: You're such a good little sweeper. Do you sweep like that at home?
Me: Nope, I make my husband do it.
Strange man customer: You're married?
(I guess he really did think I was 4)

4. Me: Plastic bags okay?
Another strange man customer: Paper please.
Me: *packs order in one paper bag*
Strange man customer: *pats my hand* Atta girl!  (Hey, I packed your bag, where are my Beggin strips?)

5. Me: And your total is $19.25
Confused lady customer: No.
Me: Excuse me?
Confused lady customer: I said no.
Me: Is there something wrong?
Confused lady customer: No
Me: Okay, that'll be $19.25
Confused lady customer: *pays bill and leaves*

6. Strung out lady customer: Can I buy my cigarettes here?
Me: Yeah but you have to buy them at the customer service desk
Strung out lady customer: If I get you money can you go over there and get them for me?
Me: No, they need your ID.
Strung out lady customer: I can give you that too.
Me: I'll ring up your order and if you want you can go get them while I'm working on it
Strung out lady customer: Ugh. You just can't get good service anymore.

7: Me *cannont ring up anymore groceries because both sides of the belt are full and there is no where to put anything. The customer has not put any bags in her cart. I pick up a 24 pack of Pepsi.* Can you take this?
Annoying Lazy Lady Customer: No.
ME: Can I put this in your cart?
ALLC: No. Can't you hold it?
Me: *Puts pepsi in ALLC'S cart while thinking : "Yes, I can balance a 24 pack on my head while ringing up and bagging your order*
ALLC: dramatic sigh