My Daughter

Somewhere along the way, I developed the idea that I was less.

Less than beautiful.
Less than capable.
Less than desirable.
Less than.



I don't know exactly when the thoughts began to occur or where exactly they stem from. What I do know is that they were and are there.

I began to imagine that people only saw my acne scarred face, my greasy hair.
I began to imagine that when I walked, my movements were disgusting and awkward and that my running posture was nothing if not highly laughable.
I began to think that my speaking voice was annoyingly high pitched and my singing voice like nails on a chalkboard.
I began to think that I wasn't capable of successful completing everyday tasks, much less complicated endeavors.
I began to think that my needs, thoughts and  feelings didn't matter. That they imposed to much on others.

If I think about it I can try to pinpoint certain phrases I've heard, from people near and dear, and from people, who for one moment had more impact than they will ever realize. Maybe there were phrases I heard once in jest, and magnified in my head. Maybe there were phrases repeated to me-whether in jest or not.

Regardless, I began to try to change my body, my movements.
I began to feel less important than those around me and began to minimize the discomfort I thought I was causing others.

My speaking voice grew quieter and quieter. Some days it is barely audible and my husband frustratedly asks me to repeat myself.

My singing voice grew dim, a mere echo of the joy I used to  (harmoniously or not) release into the world.

My walk grew more stiff. My body stiffened, trying to stifle any movements that would cause laughter or disdain. My posture suffered and my eyes grew accustomed to the view of my feet.

I let others take over tasks for me, believing that I couldn't do them properly myself, or that I would take to long to complete them.

I began to refuse drink and food when offered, internally reasoning that to agree would be to much of a inconvenience for my host. When sharing food, I always chose the smallest pieces, thinking that someone else deserved the bigger portions.

 When being treated to dinner, I agonized over choosing the least expensive meal I would enjoy.

Only with my truest and dearest friends could I be my whole, genuine self. And even then, I struggled to come out of the shell I had become.

Today, it all changes. For sometime, I have been struggling (with the support of my husband) to overcome these beliefs. To be a strong woman, not just under the guise of one.

Today, at a church gathering I was prompted to pray and ask God how he sees me.And so I prayed.

And as always, God answered with the perfect response.

My daughter, echoed in my head

My daughter, my daughter, my daughter reverberated through out my body, and to the deepest parts of my soul.

I am His daughter.
He created me.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am beautiful and worthy, because of Him. Because of the blood shed by the only one who is the Holy One.

I have a place to stand, with all of God's other children. I can freely stand among them.

 Whole.
 Free.
Worthy.

I am that me that He has made.

My God is an AWESOME God!

So do not worry ,saying, "What will we eat?" or "What will we drink?" or "What will we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and these things will be given to you as well. -Matthew 6:31-33

When we arrived in Korea we learned that we would be paid on the 15th of each month. This meant, on October 15th that we would be paid for a weeks worth of work and would not receive a full paycheck until the middle of November.

We had several unexpected  out of pocket expenses such as physicals and alien card fees. We also needed things for the bathroom, like a shower head an a toilet seat.

We'd saved money to bring with us but these unexpected expenses cut in quite a bit.

Now, we come to the week before payday.

We got down to our last several thousand won (I can't remember but I think it was around $50ish). (1,000 won is just under $1) This had to get us each 2 meals a day  for a week and a  six pack of 2 liter water bottles. We also usually buy a small snack to get us through the afternoon. 8 hours without eating gets to be a long time!

Our cupboards were down to 2 slices of bread, 3 slices of ham, a couple slices of processed cheese, onion, a box of cereal (no milk)and 3 packs of ramen. We also didn't have enough water to make it a week.

We've slowly learned that in this country it is usually costs more to buy groceries than it does to eat out. We could easily spend $50 on groceries and not make it a week.

Mike and I prayed that God would get us through the week and that we wouldn't be miserably hungry. We usually purchased snacks to get us through the 8 hour shift, but it looked as if we wouldn't be able to afford them this week.

On Sunday we bought a pizza box. It included a pizza, chicken tenders and fries and spaghetti. We were able to eat all day Sunday and lunch on Monday from this box. Monday we stopped and bought drinks for later in the afternoon.

However, the amount of spaghetti we shared left us hungry part way through work. It was Pepero day. A day devoted to cookies sticks covered in chocolate and other toppings like nuts. Teachers and students often exchange these treats. We didn't have any to give out, but God blessed us greatly by having students gift us with a couple boxes of them. We were able to have our snack after all! I truly felt has if God had had some marketing guru suggest Pepero day just to help Mike and I out of our hunger!


Monday night we ate more leftover pizza and left over chicken from Friday night. On Monday night Mike calculated our cash in hand to be 20,000 won (just under $20)

Tuesday morning, Mike counted our money and determined we actually had 40,000 won. It was as if God had come into our apartment and slipped us a $20.

Tuesday we went out to eat for lunch. Mike had a rice stirfry type dish and I had a noodle soup. Our typical orders at this restaurant. Usually, it costs us 8,000 won. This time it was 7,500 won. This allowed Mike to buy a Pepsi, for a pick me up. Another food related blessing came today. We had been helping a student prepare for a speaking competition. Her mother dropped off two loaves of coffee and nut bread for the teachers to share.

Wednesday, we ventured to McDonalds and discovered that (Praise God!) they were running specials. We both ate full size meals for the same price as two Happy Meals. Towards the end of the work day, I was starting to get hungry. Suddenly, I began to smell cinnamon. One of the managers had gone out and purchased brown sugar cinnamon pancakes from a street vendor. Knowing my love of sweets, she graciously shared with me.

Wednesday night, our next door neighbor and former boss dropped off a bunch of extra bananas. I ate mine for dessert with melted pieces of chocolate that were a gift from my student. We have enough bananas to each eat one for a snack tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow, God has provided enough money for us to keep up our traditional lunch with the teachers at the food court across from out school. I'm so looking forward to a warm bowl of curry.

We've yet to see what God has in store for the rest of the week but I am confident he will provide. Ever since we've started tithing we have never needed for anything.

I feel as if I am living the story of Jesus multiplying the loaves and fish.

 

S is for Southern Hospitality

Some say you're born and bred with it.
Others say its a skill you learn.

As for me? I love it. I think its part practiced skill, part natural love .

A lot of things have been changing inside me lately, thanks to my growing relationship with the my Father through His Son, Jesus Christ.

One of those things is a growing sense of hospitality. A desire to love through taking care of people- feeding them, talking to them, making them feel at home.

Reading Bread and Wine started to ferment these feelings and ideas.

At our bonfire last weekend, someone commented to me that I always have plenty of good food around when we have company. Wheels turned a little further down the track.

Today, a godly woman at work remarked that she sees me  as being in the hospitality ministry.

And then it clicked. That's who I want to be. Who I feel God is leading me to be.

I am shy. When I am in my element, I am more open. More likely to share the Word of God or voice my opinion.

I love feeding people, sharing and laughing with them.

My new dream is to be the one who invites the newcomer (at work, church etc) over for dinner. The one who holds old groups of friends together by hosting gatherings

God has blessed me greatly and I can't wait to share them!

What talent, skills and desires has God blessed you with?

Are you going to Heaven?

We discussed this at last weeks Bible study and my boss encouraged us to discuss this concept with all of our friends. Since I've come to think of many of you as blog buddies, I decided to discuss this here.

So, I'd like to hear your thoughts. Do you think you are going to heaven? Why?

Here, I'll go first.

I believe I am going to Heaven because God sent his Son, Jesus, and that he died on the cross and in doing so saved me from all of my sin. I accept that Jesus did this for me, as my Savior. I believe accepting Jesus' sacrifice is the only way to spend eternity with God.

If you agree, or not I invite you share your thoughts below or email me at rrwrites at hotmail dot com and I'll do my best to explain my beliefs.

In a similar vein, I am looking for guest bloggers to fill in so that I can spend some more time working on my novel and finishing my tshirt quilt. Feel free to comment or email me if you'd like to help.

Guest Blogging Today

I know its a little late in the day, but I'm the guest blogger today at Life Blessons. Won't you join me as I discuss the ways Christ helps me overcome my fear?

'Twas The Night of Christmas

Last night was my girls' night in "Favorite Things" Christmas Party. We hada great time and I'll share more details about the party in my next post. But for now I want to share a little poem that I wrote to include in the favor bag.

‘Twas the Night Of Christmas

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. (Isaiah 7:14)

‘Twas the night of Christmas and all through the house,

 all the creatures were reverent, even the mouse.
 The baby was swaddled and tucked in with care,
 and the angels rejoiced that the Christ-child was now there.

A long journey it had been,

from Nazareth to Bethlehem.
On the back of a little old donkey, slowly rode Mary.
Though a virgin, the Son of Man, she did carry.

She was soon due,

but the rooms available were few.

The only refuge to be found was with the animals and hay.

The sign of a star, hung high in the sky, gave the objects below the luster of midday.

The shepherds traveled far from their beds,
while visions of angels and a Savior, danced in their heads.

The wise men also journeyed from afar,

sent out by King Herod, they followed the star.

Out on the street, there arose such a clatter,

Joseph sprang from his watch to see what was the matter.
The shepherds and Magi arrived to worship the newborn King.
Gifts of myrrh, frankincense, and gold, they did bring.

 

They played their harps and sang   
praises that proclaimed His mighty name.
Then the shepherds set out again,
to spread the good news to other men.

 

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.” (Isaiah 9:6-7)